I never believed in anxiety.

I thought it was made up. Something that doesn't happen to strong, resilient people.

Then it hit me.

I remember the night vividly, March 2021. I was finishing up homework on my laptop while lying on the couch. I went to get up, and when I did, I felt a sensation in my left arm, and then my heart began palpitating.

Nervous, I began to panic. I started walking to my fiancé but felt dizzy and stopped mid-journey at the table. I thought I was dying.

That was my first panic/anxiety attack. And it wasn't the last.

I probably had over 100 in the three months leading up to our wedding. And when I researched online (IFKYK), I found many had similar experiences. Some later in life after working relentlessly, and others, like me, early in their journey. I was open to the fact that anxiety is a human trait.

It manifests itself in everyone in some form. Some have more, and others have it in specific situations.

Looking back on my life, I see it in many ways. I was an anxious, awkward, and nervous boy.

There is no rhyme or reason for anxiety; I haven't found it. Yes, my mother is overly anxious. But my middle brother seems immune to it. Life doesn't have an algorithm for how it works (e.g., why some things affect some and not others).

While I seem melancholy over this, it has made me better.

I'm a better person because of my anxiety.

"But he said to me,' My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

I still don't understand the above. But I am beginning to understand and appreciate the power of my weaknesses. The constraints of who I am free me to be me.

My anxiety forces me to work less at certain times. My anxiety forces me to meditate and exercise daily. My anxiety limits my ability to think in tense situations.

I can see these walls (constraints) as those of a prison or on the edge of a cliff, keeping me from falling off while I run around freely. I heard that analogy from a pastor. It was eye-opening

That was a hard realization that I'm slowly accepting and letting invade my inner workings.